What Would Comic Book Villains Do? (WWCBVD?)

Welcome to a new series for The JediCole Universe!  Every week or so I will explore the dark underbelly of comic books with in-depth discussions on how comic book villains, primarily from Marvel and DC Comics, would approach some everyday situations.  While comic book heroes are bastions of all that is right, we can often learn a lot from those who have devoted their lives to criminal enterprises.  By looking at their reactions to certain common circumstances we can learn more about the state of society and ourselves.

Scenario: An old woman is walking along a city sidewalk nearby when a ruffian rushes out of the shadows and attempts to snatch her purse.  She is able to hold on to one end of the strap while the crook tugs on the other.  They are both only about a yard away from you.  What do you do?

Dr. Doom: If this is in America I would not be there on that street.  It may look like I am but in all actuality it is one of my Doombots.  I use them in most cases when I am perceived to be abroad so that should my schemes run afoul of the Fantastic Four I am not personally inconvenienced. Witnessing of purse snatching is not in the present programming of my Doombot army so it would seem I would do nothing as a result.  If this were in Latveria I would stun them both with a mild blast from my gauntlets, see them safely taken to one of the nearby prisons, tried, and executed before tea time.  The criminal for the act of thievery he attempted and the old woman for having the audacity to publicly flaunt the ownership of a handbag on my streets!

Joker: Well this seems more up the Riddler’s street.  Perhaps it takes place on the Riddler’s street!  I made a little joke there.  And you’re not laughing!  I don’t like it when people don’t laugh at my jokes!  And you won’t like me when I’m not liking you!  But in answer to your question, I would cheer the petty little thief on, even lending my assistance if necessary.  Then as he made good his escape I would chase after him yelling, “Stop…thief!  Police!  Help!”, that sort of thing.  This would thoroughly confuse him enough to let me catch up to him and offer him a safe place to hide.  We would retreat to one of my hideouts where my henchmen and I would subdue him and place him on the bench of a dunking booth over a tub of acid or piranhas (depending on which hideout) and take turns hurling softballs at him until Batman arrives to thwart us.  I can promise you that he will never steal again!  If only the authorities would listen to me.  Joker-style criminal justice always sends even the hardest criminals back onto the street as reformed and productive members of society!

Ultron: I would vaporize the purse snatcher thus engendering my synthetic self to the old woman.  Then I would vaporize her as I suspect to an organic sentient being that would be an unexpected action.  Then I would vaporize the buildings nearby.  I would follow this by further vaporizing of cars, buildings, traffic signals, pigeons, and those little easels in front of cafes that show the daily specials.  Then I would pause in my vaporization efforts to allow my power cells to recharge before vaporizing anew.  Can you tell I like to vaporize things?

Toy Man: I would yell, “Hey!  I was going to steal that purse!  Go find you own!”  I think that would be pretty funny.  In actuality I wouldn’t be planning to steal that purse at all.  Unless I happened to have a wind-up monkey or a little racecar with a  retractable purse-catching hook on the side to do it with.  But alas, I do not.

Chameleon:  I would watch the theft play out and then discreetly follow the thief to wherever he has snuck off to count his loot.  Quietly I would sneak up on him and change my appearance to look like the old lady, thus shocking him into returning the stolen goods.  As he runs frantically away from the woman’s doppelganger I would then take on his appearance for a time.  While I wear his face I will commit some major bank heists and even hold the United Nations for ransom before quietly disappearing.  Imagine his surprise when an entire army of International law enforcement officers converge on his apartment to arrest him!

Darkseid: I would not hesitate for a moment.  Even a moment’s hesitation would be too much to afford mere human beings.  No, there would be no hesitation on my part.  Nor would there be any action.  I would give the incident no notice as it serves me in neither accomplishing the completion of the Anti-Life Equation nor wresting control of Earth from her super-powered champions before reshaping it in the image of my beloved Apokolips. 

Check back in about a week to see what our next six super villains have to say on the topic!