What Would Comic Book Villains Do? (WWCBVD?) Week Two

They are evil.  They are treacherous.  They are nasty, cruel, scheming, and not at all nice.  They are the villains of the comic books!  And select members of their malicious fraternity are invited each week to share their thoughts on how they would handle a day to day or ethical situation. 

The best way to combat evil is to understand evil.  By discovering how the mind of arch-criminals works we might better understand how to defeat them.  With that in mind I offer up this week's scenario for our select panel of super-villains.

Scenario: You hear the cries of a kitten nearby.  Looking around you do not see the source of this sound until you chance to look upward into the foliage tree.  Standing in the fork of two high branches is a tiny tabby kitten frantically calling out for help in its predicament.  What do you do?

Lex Luthor: I would have one of my staff phone the Fire Department immediately.  We can't have stray kittens stuck in trees now can we?  They would of course immediately dispatch a ladder company to see to the rescue as the Fire Chief owes me a great many favors.  Once the little creature was safely down from the tree I would immediately adopt it as a pet.  In my meteoric rush to become the most powerful man in the world (yes, I said that Superman!) I never had time for a pet.  It would do me good to have a cat around the house.  One of my staff would of course see to its care, feeding, and training.  And it would be housed in a special pet wing of one of my Metropolis mansions.  And it would be assigned a full-time caregiver on call 24 hours a day.  Once every few months or so I might drop by and scratch it between the ears.

Stilt Man: Using my incredible cybernetic stilt-legs I would easily rescue the kitten from its plight.  My armored exoskeleton would protect me from its claws as I lowered it slowly to the ground.  You know how it is with scared kittens, they get all flailing about with their claws straight out.  They don't mean to scratch, they are just terrified.  Yeah, I would get the poor little thing down safely to the ground.  My therapist says I should do more things like that, you know?  Like using my incredible cybernetic stilt-legs to do some things that benefit mankind.  And once the kitten was safely on the ground and calmed down I would scoop it back up in my arms, rise up to the treetops and put it back in the high branches before taking a stilt-assisted stroll around the block (you make great time with 15 foot long legs let me tell you).  Once back around I would hear a little kitten crying out from the trees.  I should probably rescue it, that is the right thing to do after all!

Ocean Master: A kitten?  Seriously?!  I'm Ocean Mater!  I spend like 95% of my time under water!  Do you have any idea how many kittens are stuck in trees at the bottom of the sea?  I'll give you a hint.  The number rhymes with "hero"!  Honestly!  I mean I could have been jovial and said something like, "Well if I found a baby catfish stuck in a tree coral I would do this..."  You get the idea.  How patently ridiculous was this question to ask me?  You couldn't just wait for the question about someones jewelry falling overboard from a boating excursion and it being discovered on the sea floor with their phone number engraved on it could you?  No, not at all!  I be Black Manta gets invited to that one.  That is just so typical!  Do you realize how few undersea villains there are?  There's a reason we don't have a League of Aquatic Evil you know!  There aren't enough of us to pay the rent on a submersible headquarters!  So say hi to Manta for me.  That was sarcasm by the way... 



Copperhead: I would run.  Run away as quickly as possible.  Um, to get help.  Help to get the kitten down.  The little thing must be so scared and unsure of itself.  Someone should do something about that!  What?   Why don't I slither up the tree and back down again carrying it to safety?  I'm a super villain!  Do you think I took the name of  a venomous North American snake because I wanted to seem approachable!  I am the epitome of evil!  My heart is as frigid as Arctic pack ice and my soul is as black as the void!  And...I'm afraid of cats.  Okay?!  Are you happy?  You just pried and pried until you drug that out of me.  Yeah the great and mighty Copperhead is afraid of cats!  Lots of people are you know.

MODOK: Like my fellow super-villains I would use every means at my disposal to rescue the infant cat.  NO!  I most certainly did not read their replies in advance!  I merely utilized my genetically enhanced super-intelligence to glean their reactions based on an intense psychological study of each that took less than one trillionth of a second to calculate.  That aside I would utilize that self same hyper intelligence to aid me in using the  A.I.M. technology at my disposal to enhance the genetic structure of the young animal allowing it to grow to many times its normal size.  It's developing body would express bullet-proof armor instead of fur.  It's eyes would be capable of projecting deadly laser beams and its purr would create glass-shattering resonances.  It's indestructible claws would cut through thick reinforced steel like butter.  And it would be my loyal companion in all of my nefarious deeds.  Wow!  I just read everyone else's replies (I am capable of formulating my own before viewing theirs) and that Copperhead one really took me by surprise!