After a hiatus that was far too lengthy I am proud to announce the return of What Would Comic Book Villains Do? If you have missed the previous five installments of this popular series, be sure to click on the links below to see each one and discover what answers the ever-changing rogues gallery of bad guys.
This week is “Ladies Week” and features a variety of female super villains who’s voices have yet to be heard in this forum. And with so many femme fatales joining the discussion what better choice of a question to pose than one put on the table by Mrs. JediCole. So without further ado we will pose this week’s collection to these nefarious ladies.
Scenario: You find a note from a friend of yours to her boyfriend, or so it seems at first. You read further, curiosity getting the better of you it is soon revealed that she was in fact writing to someone else, and in very intimate and romantic terms. Burdened with this knowledge and being friends with her boyfriend also, what do you do now?
Phobia: It’s funny. This sounds amazingly like something that happened back in my early days with the Brotherhood of Evil. We did a job with some of the Fearsome Five that autumn and it was disasterous! Shimmer...don’t get me started on her…was dating some friend of her brother Mammoth. Everyone knew she could not stand this guy but she stuck it out because it was her brother’s friend. That big lummox may be able to mangle freight trains with his bare hands but he’s still such an adolescent! Mind you, he’s a hunk! But still… Sorry, lost my train of thought there. Mmmmm…hunk! Anyway, along comes this guy, Bill I think it was who was just perfect for her. He wasn’t even super-powered or anything, but those two were really meant for each other. And what a looker! Not like that jerk Mammoth had her hooked up with, a mud fence that one. Sure he could leap sixty feet straight into the air, but how practical a power is that? Little wonder she went for old Bob, now that I think if it his name was Bob.
So anyway, one day Mammoth managed to figure out that his sister was seeing Bob and he went on a rampage! He was so upset he nearly smashed his friend, who luckily leapt five yards out of the way so I guess it has its uses after all. Warp wanted to send Mammoth to Antarctica to cool down, the Brain was out shopping with that gorilla of his, and Houngan, it turns out, had never thought to make a cyber-voodoo doll of Mammoth so it was left to me to set things straight. I instilled an intense fear of his friend in Mammoth which had the further effect of elevating Bob or Bill or Bart whatever to ideal boyfriend for his sister status.
So in a case like this I would just cut to the chase and drive one or both of them mad with fear and save everyone a lot of collateral damage.
Black Cat – I would have to have fun with this. I am “catty” by nature, not to mention bad luck. Okay, enough of the feline puns, that really is not my style anyway. My agent said I should start playing up my name a bit more, but it’s just not me. To put it in simple terms I would confront my friend about her infidelity. Sure she would accuse me of being a terrible friend for having read her letter, but please! She left the thing out there where anyone could see it, including her boyfriend. And that man treats her like gold! This is the thanks he gets for all of his years of dedication?! It is such a slap in the face if you ask me! Once she calms down and starts listening to reason I will help her see what a fool she has been and how she really needs to stick with the man that loves her without question. I would promise never to say a thing to her boyfriend on the condition she cuts things off with the other guy. I would even offer to help her out by dating this other guy on the rebound. That way her boyfriend would have not idea she was seeing this other guy now that he’s mine. After all, that’s why I broke into her house in the first place, on the off chance I could find some incriminating evidence to plain sight to orchestrate the stealing of her illicit boyfriend for myself! This is just the sort of thing that happens when I cross your path!
Nah, that stuff still doesn’t work for me.
Harley Quinn – Well that is a tough one. I mean it would depend on which of my friends you were talking about. If it was… Wait a minute! Is this one of those things my therapists and Arkham used to talk about where you substitute hypothetical people for real people? That would mean you are really talking about me and the Joker, right? Is it true?! Is Mr. J seeing someone else behind my back?! He promised he’d kill me, or at least gas me, before he’d ever have another love! Why? WHY?! MR. J,WHYYYYYYYY?!
Destiny – While I find it funny you should see fit to ask me any such questions for this series, I have to admit I already knew you would, when, and exactly which question. Perhaps that will help illustrate that I would already know about the note long before it is even written, have visualized the possible outcome of any given course of action, and simply resigned myself to let things take whatever course they might without any interference on my part. Okay, you drug it out of me! I can’t predict the future as well as I used to. Not after that damned Kitty Pryde phased through me when I was trying to advance the cause of Mutantkind by killing off Senator Robert Kelly. Ever since then my precognitions, like my aim with the crossbow that fateful day, have been just slightly off the mark. Can you believe the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants had the audacity to put me on notice! Some brotherhood I tell you! I would predict nothing but misery in their future…if I could count on the visions at full.
Maybe it is just time to retire from all of this.
Granny Goodness – Darkseid told Granny that you would probably be bugging Granny at some point with inane questions that are so far below the masters of Apokolips as to be unnoticeable. But to Granny’s surprise, Granny must admit, your choice of query intrigues Granny! What exactly would your good Granny do when confronted with such shenanigans? Hmmm, Granny must ponder this a moment! Moment passed! First Granny would dispatch one of Granny’s Female Furies, probably Stompa or Mad Harriet, to round up all three of the participants in this little drama and bring them to Granny at Granny’s Orphanage. Granny would then pit both males in mortal combat against Parademons with the winner gaining the hand of the female. Should both perish, as undoubtedly would be the outcome, then Granny would gain a new trainee for her Female Furies as their numbers have become a bit thin of late.
Scorpia – I know as a super-villain I should really have some kind of twisted opinion on all of this, I really should. The thing is I just tend to steer clear of people’s personal lives. I mean, how would I feel if some well-meaning “friend” was snooping around in my business? For all I know that note could be really old or maybe part of a novel she’s writing. You would really be surprised how respectful of privacy the villains I’ve worked with in the past are. Especially Vulture! When he’s not trying to kill Spider-Man, he’s an absolute gentleman!
Harley Quinn – Why Mr. J?! Why did you do it?!! Bwaaaahhhaaaaaaaaaa!