Welcome to the eighth installment of What Would Comic Book Villains Do? After seven rounds and 42 different villains chiming in we are on quite a roll. For the most part only Marvel and DC villains have been invited. So in the interest of fairness I am making an effort to more consistently open the floor to nefarious characters from a few more companies who will now be joining their counterparts from the “Big Two”.
Scenario: A close friend of yours is has been trying to stop drinking and been going to various programs and groups to help in the process. But recently you have seen him going to a local bar every few days. Being concerned about his goals to stay sober what approach do you take to help him if he is having trouble reaching those goals?
Shocker: I have a tried and true method for helping people stick to their goals. Or do what I say. Or get out of my way in traffic. Or stop talking during a movie. Or give me all the money in the drawers and the vault. Two words: shock treatment! Yeah, it works for just about everything!
Penguin: It is always a shame when someone loses sight of what they want and need to do for their own good. But Oswald Cobblepot is nothing if not loyal to his friends! I would invite the poor soul over to the Penguin’s Nest for an intervention. Once you wander off a path you need the help of good friends to guide you back. The method I employ in these situations is my Twelve Umbrella Program. Of course if that should fail, as it usually does, I have the Magpie Aversion Therapy Program as a backup. This utilizes a trained magpie that perches on the shoulder of the alcoholic and pecks his head voraciously if he even attempts to take a drink. Now I just need to train my magpies to differentiate between alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages!
Immortus: After I have determined what possessed me to allow someone, anyone, to become a friend with myself I would formulate a plan to use my dominion over time to intervene in a way that is truly beneficial. Perhaps I would transport him to ancient Greece just to mess with his mind. Nothing is quite so much fun as watching a displaced soul wandering through the forum of a city like Athens or Pixos. Lost in another country and another time with all of their vaunted modern conveniences lost to them. Or perhaps I might just push them forward in time to the day after they planned to go to the bar. This is always a good one if the day of they planned to go to the bar was the only one they had free that week. If not a full day into the future, even just a few hours can throw things off if it is after “last call”. I am really starting to like this intervention thing after all!
Sportsmaster: It really depends. If its one of those old-timey bars where grizzled old guys sit around and drink themselves blotto or worse yet one of those pretentious wine bars I’d have some issues. Who wants to go to a place like that? I mean one is depressing and the other is really off-putting! Have you seen the guys in those wine bars? What a bunch of self-important jerks! Now if it is a good old fashioned sports bar, well that’s another story. When I’m not knocking them over for their cash I like to kick back and watch whatever’s on the screens. The best is when there’s a baseball game or two, plus something different like soccer or cricket and then maybe one of those “World’s Strongest Man” competitions on the various TVs all at once. Now in a case like that I’d be right in there with him, throwing back some brews and talking about how he really needs to quit! We’d have some laughs and enjoy the game and take a cab back to my hideout to try to recover. If it was one of those other types of bars I’d probably just smack him with a polo mallet and tell him to stick to the plan!
Vermin: You really need to fire whoever books these things. I live in a sewer! And contrary to cartoons, you don’t make a lot of friends living down there! I spend most of my time trying to find enough food to sustain my existence and of course plotting new ways to kill Spider-Man. That really leaves little “me time” to cultivate friendships. Oh sure, I’ve made the odd alliances, but those are usually spur of the moment and always of the teaming-up-to-kill-Spider-Man variety. I suppose if one of the more gregarious rats or albino alligators I sometimes call friends (more often pets, but that is really more for dramatic effect if someone like Daredevil or that blasted Spider-Man is down here) were to be trying to clean up I would offer to be someone to call on in moments of weakness. Perhaps I could help shepherd my sewer dwelling friend through the long process of drying out and staying sober. That is the kind of thing that would really make me feel good about myself the next time I am beating myself up about my inability to kill Spider-Man. SPIDER-MANNNNNNNNNN!