Friedrich Nietzsche had admonished mankind with the simple philosophy, "Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster." Good words to live by if one seeks to go out and challenge the evils of the world. However, if we simply wish to pose moral questions of such monsters, perhaps we might learn something important instead.
So at the risk of becoming just a tad monstrous, The JediCole Universe yet again seeks to discover, "What Would Comic Book Villains Do?"
Scenario: It has been a long and exhausting day,
but it is Friday. The weekend is here at last and you are ready to
relax. No sooner have you settled in at home than the doorbell rings as
family members from out of town have arrived unexpectedly. What do you do?
Loki: I guess it would really depend on which members of my
family you are talking about. My step brother is such a jerk! I
really can’t stand him and he would have some nerve showing up at my place
uninvited. My parents and I have always had a kind of strained
relationship, but I suppose I could accommodate them. The apartment is
not huge but I have an inflatable bed I keep for overnight company. So
long as long as dad doesn’t have his stupid ravens with him. What am I
supposed to do with them?! I don’t even have a pet deposit on this
place. And I am certainly not going to clean up after them. This
place has brand new carpet!
What?
Why of course I have an apartment. Where else would I live? It’s
not like I can just go back to my old room at Asgard after all the pranks I’ve
pulled over the millennia.
Gorilla Grodd: Isn't that just typical! Is
there no such thing as courtesy any more? When I was a little ape in
Gorilla City the importance of courtesy was drilled into me from an early
age. We were taught to say “Yes ma’am” and “No ma’am” and “Please pass
the banana salad.” Then I get out on my own and all of that just means
nothing to the rest of the family! Every time I am in the middle of some
project or another to subjugate the hairless apes of the outer world one or
more of my two dozen brothers shows up without warning! And usually with
some bimbo they picked up at the zoo or a circus. And you know that one
night becomes a week before you know it!
It’s not like anyone of my kin has the
least bit of interest in defeating the Flash or toppling world governments so I
may as well forget about getting a thing done! Even my own parents have
shown up like this once or twice over the years! I swear one of these
days I am going to move and leave no forwarding address! What happened to
them? They grow old and forget all that stuff they taught us in our youth.
And don’t get me started about
television! My brothers and sisters and I had to share one television in
the living room when we were kids, so you can imagine how much fighting that
created. I wish I had discovered my mind control powers back then!
It was all I could do to get to watch Lancelot Link once fortnight! But
get this! Now when you go to my folk’s place what do you find? A
television in nearly every room! Who needs seven TVs?! And do they
all have to be on at the same time? Sheesh! What has happened to
them?!
Wrecker: This is a question I have long
pondered actually. Toward that end I’ve been planning a really nice guest
room for the house. You know, on the side where the sun comes through in
the morning and just makes you feel right at home. Once it is done I
would be more than happy to put up family members there. I’ve got the
walls knocked through and the yard pretty well torn up for laying a
foundation. Yep, it’s all set.
Unfortunately while I am an expert at
destruction, especially with my handy enchanted prybar, I never really have
been much of one for building things. The same is true of the guys from
the Wrecking Crew! We got together and did the preliminary work one
weekend then realized none of us knew thing one about building. If only
there was a super villain called the Contractor or the Barn Raiser or something
like that I could befriend then I would say bring on the family!
Moloch
the Mystic: Wow, that is a good one! It is not like I have a
shortage of places to accommodate guests. The problem is that my family
are all pretty much convinced I am some low rent conjurer plying my magic
tricks at small theaters and children’s parties. While I do still pull
the odd rabbit out of a hat or pour milk into a cone of newspaper to have it
mysteriously disappear into thin air, that is not really what puts food on the
table.
You
see I have somehow managed to keep my immediate family from realizing that I am
THAT Moloch the Mystic. The one who is a nationally known crime lord and
all that. That they have not made that connection I count as the greatest
magic trick of my career! Yes, sure I have lots of spare rooms in my
brothels, my underground casinos, my unlicensed boxing dens, and many a safe
house, but in opening them up to my family I would also make the connection at
last and be obliged to report me to the cops. Or worse yet, the
Crimebusters! I heard that old windbag Metropolis was trying to start up
a new group like the Minutemen from back in the day. Can you believe it?
Taskmaster: There are some advantages to living
the kind of life I live and one of those is having no permanent address.
Half the time I don’t even have a temporary address! Ha! But okay,
I’m game. On the off chance someone from my family should happen to show
up at the lair, apartment, hotel room, or tent in the desert where I happen to
be hanging my cape for the night I would do that only thing that I could
do. I would yell at them asking what they are thinking! Do they
have no idea how dangerous it is to be associated with me? When
super-heroes aren't trying to capture me then other super-villains
are trying to do me in to reduced the completion. There is not a week
that goes by where some goon from Hydra or AIM isn't trying to score
a bounty on my head. I’d tell them to get lost! We are family
and all, but come on! Use your head and move on if you want to keep your
head!
Two-Face: That’s a good question you've got there. Let me just flip my
coin and… Nope! Sorry friend I can’t answer that question, it came
up scarred side up. But hey, at least I was just flipping for whether or
not to answer your question! This would not have been good for you if I
was flipping for whether or not to just shoot you.
Hey! Where are you running off
to? Don’t go! Awwwwwww…
